My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.