dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?