“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*