If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.