Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.