My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅