Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
want me to check your oil?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.