Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.