My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
did it work
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Incredible customer service.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.