INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers