I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You Might Also Like
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”