Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.