They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
A closed mouth gathers no fries.