Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”