ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit