Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You Might Also Like
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Netflix: We have Less
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no