My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.