It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Love is in the air fryer.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*