Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened