Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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Try and stop me.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.