Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.