[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
the council will decide your fate
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I hope they boil the right one.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken