I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.