Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier