Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Investing in beetcoin
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.