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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.