I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.