He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.