If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time