I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
This fish is cracking me up
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”