Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.