I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
they finally got him. they got macavity
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said