If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Oh my God.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]