The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
You Might Also Like
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
BaD BoY!!
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know