Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My favorite female superhero
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“We will wed,” I threatened
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There is wisdom there.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT