Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.