Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”