as is their right
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Found the job I’m suited for
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.