I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
lmfao come on
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.