Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
cyclists
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*