Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You Might Also Like
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
just got my engagement photos
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…