“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
From Facebook just now…
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.