Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*