My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
You Might Also Like
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?