i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.