Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My patronus is a cheeseburger
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda