*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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live, laugh, laundry.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.