Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
You Might Also Like
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
True dat! 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Only Americans understand
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I鈥檓 making my famous baby coleslaw
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period