I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just a phase…
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho