Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.